Will They Ever Grow Up and Become Men?

A young man I will call Will, age 24, recently visited me in my office struggling with feelings of inadequacy, career issues, and anxiety related to women. He had just returned home again to live in his parent’s basement while he saved some money and figured things out. Although he has a college degree, he works a service related job at night to make ends meet. Will is a good guy who appears to have strong moral values, loves God, and is willing to work, but is totally confused about his future, where he is going, and why. Will feels the pressure to do the right thing, but is afraid to make decisions that will lead him in uncertain directions; so he often finds himself in the ‘eddy’ of life, circling back to his parent’s home, “resting” as he calls it, desperately looking for direction.

Will appears to be the typical, post-high school, young male in America today that has not yet grasped the meaning of what it means be a fully independent and mature man. He is stuck in a perpetual boyhood, relying on the support and security of his parents. According to Michael Kimmel, in his book entitled Guyland, two thirds of 18-24 yr olds still live with their parents, and twenty per cent of males over age 25 still live at home. What happened to the old adage, “We raised our children to leave us?” Today, one in five American homes still have a ‘full’ nest rather than an empty nest because adult children are still living at home. A quick survey of my own son’s post-high school male friends supports Kimmel’s research. Three of his five closest friends still live at home at age 24. All of my son’s friends are good guys, but are either unsure of or unmotivated about their futures.

Will instinctively knows something is missing in his life but cannot find the answer. Most boys age 18-24 today are not considering their future at all; their lives are centered entirely in the moment with no regard beyond the next party, next movie, or virtual video game session. The sad truth is that our culture no longer provides a clear path that leads a boy from childhood to a mature and responsible masculinity. Therefore, our boys are lost and just drifting. And, in their confusion, it is safer to remain boys living at home with mom and dad.

The iconic images that stream across our television and movie screens may have something to do with the phenomenon of what is called the “Peter Pan” syndrome. Television shows such as My Name is Earl, Everybody Loves Raymond, and The Simpsons (to name only a few!) depict men that are infantilized by their wives and other women. They are totally inept around the house and will trade housework for sex. Their opinions are not considered important, and they are frankly seen as idiots by their wives and children. And, what about the endless, immature buffoons portrayed by older male movie actors such as Jim Carey, Will Ferrell, and Adam Sandler? What great role models for our boys! If becoming one of these kinds of guys is what a man is all about, is it any wonder why our boys don’t bother to grow up?

Boys will never understand true manhood by observing the inept role models so often displayed on television, in movies, and or in video games. And, boys cannot learn authentic masculinity from each other. It is impossible for a boy to mature into adult manhood unless he encounters a “real” man along the way. So what are the hallmarks of a ‘real’ man? I believe there are four distinct characteristics that identify mature masculinity.

Real men reject passivity. Older boys who are still living at home are good examples of passive males. Mature men initiate relationships and are active in all areas of their lives. They strive to create rather than just consume. Everyone benefits from being in a relationship with an active and involved man, but everyone in a relationship with a passive man suffers.

Real men accept full responsibility for their lives. Mature men willingly accept full responsibility in all areas of their lives (in relationships, in their profession, in parenting, in their community, and in church leadership). Real men accept responsibility for their actions as well as their inaction.

Real men seek to make a difference in their world. Male potency goes well beyond procreation. Being potent means you are an agent of change, using your strength, wisdom, determination, and passion to create a better world for yourself and those around you. Just “getting by” and being a “couch potato” are not hallmarks of a real man.

Real men serve for something greater than themselves. Real men have purpose, they know why they exist, and have an eye toward doing whatever is necessary to achieve their purpose. Recently, I came across the motto of the Coast Guard’s rescue team as well as that of Emergency Medical Technicians: “So that others may live”. What a noble calling! Sacrifice and service are central to real men whether it’s in serving their family, their community, or their country. Men who understand this principle pursue greatness by serving others.

The millions of aimless and confused older boys who are living only for the next party or paycheck are symptomatic of where our culture is in regards to preparing our sons to be men. Too often we unconsciously sit back and hope our sons will catch the idea of manhood from TV or movies, each other, or video games.

We are failing to provide active and intentional training that prepares our boys to be confident, independent and purpose-driven leaders who understand that the world needs them.

When will boys grow up? The answer is never, unless we see this as a serious problem and change course, unless we turn our culture of male passivity into purpose and action

Boys and Video Games

I recently read an article where Microsoft has joined with the family's internet provider and Child Find in doubling the reward for his lost 15 year old son. Recently Dad took his son's Xbox away from him because he was skipping school, stealing money, and ignoring his studies. His son's favorite online game was "Call of Duty 4 Modern Warfare". His father was shocked by his son's response to the removal of the Xbox. His son's identity was completely wrapped up in the video game. It became his identity.

Unfortunately the story of a male teen who has become addicted to video games is all too common. These boys play upwards of 3-4 hours daily with all other aspects of their lives pushed to the rear. Over time these boys develop an online identity that embodies power and control. Whereas in real life they become socially retarded and withdrawn. The video industry understands the pull of video games and the realities they create for boys. The desire for power and control is hardwired in young males and videos tap into these compelling interests.

We are losing a generation of future men who have checked out of life and checked into the online virtual world of violent crime. The game "Grand Theft Auto" for example rewards you with points for stealing a car, killing a cop, picking up a prostitute and then killing her. The final insult and reward is to take back the money you gave her for sex. I cannot imagine how this distorts a young boy's reality. This kinds of videos are widely available, and the destruction to our youth in unmeasurable.

Unless parents wake up and realize the damage that is happening to their son's they will likely buy the games because they see it as doing not harm. We have a generation of boys who have checked out already. Time will tell when they are still living at home playing games in their thirties. The reality of all these addicted teens are parents who are checked out and not in touch with their son's lives on a daily basis.

Raising Sons or Future Men

Raising a son is an awesome opportunity to leave your fingerprints on the future. As parents we have approximately eighteen years to raise a son from birth to manhood. When our sons come into the world very few of us consider that in 926 weeks he will be a man. I now understand why so many parents exhort us to spend time or we will turn around and they will be gone. No taking the opportunity to shape your son in positive ways is unforgivable. Nothing is more important than to leave a legacy of manhood behind in your sons.

Raising a son intentionally is something very few parents are doing these days. Often parents are just trying to get by and hope their sons become responsible men. Feeding them, educating them, and hoping for the best is certainly not enough, we need a strategic plan for preparing our sons to become mature and responsible men. What are the values you want to instill in your son's, and how will you go about passing these values onto to your son.

Masculinity is an accomplishment, not a birthright. Boys cannot become men without men in their lives. Forty per cent of boys today do not live with their real fathers. Without men to show boys the way they will come as, John Eldredge calls them, "Posers". Old boys posing as men.